Tuesday, March 5, 2013

WHY MY HEAD HURTS

So this is what I think I'd like in a real-world, adult-like world job...

  • A steady schedule, working the same hours each week
  • "Bankers hours": evenings & weekends off
  • A large enough paycheck to feel financially secure, not that I'm really sure what that is anymore...
  • A short commute
  • No uniform-- ability to wear my own clothes
What I probably NEED in a job, though...
  • Respect for & from coworkers & supervisors
  • Not being bored
  • The opportunity to develop and/or advance
  • Some kind of stupid moral meaning, damn me
And I have no idea if those can actually jive. More importantly, I don't think I have faith that they can coexist in this world. I truly no longer believe in the American dream.

This is why my head hurts.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Lessons Learned Today



Lessons learned today:

(Today is Day 5 on a new job)

1. Don't trust anyone. 

2. Remember your place as the new kid.
(Nothing else matters, like your brain, experience, or personality-- just the fact that you are new. Only speak when spoken to, and listening is the only way you are allowed to learn.)

3. Remember you are part of a team.
          (They say they want you to succeed, but you are at their mercy. See #1.)

4. Buy in to whatever the company is selling.
(Your job depends on it.)


Tuesday, January 31, 2012

"This is Why I'll Never Be An Adult"-- from hyperboleandahalf

I completely identify with this. Visit the webpage here for this and other gems.
 Why I'll Never Be An Adult
I have repeatedly discovered that it is important for me not to surpass my capacity for responsibility.  Over the years, this capacity has grown, but the results of exceeding it have not changed.

Normally, my capacity is exceeded gradually, through the accumulation of simple, daily tasks. 

But a few times a year, I spontaneously decide that I'm ready to be a real adult. I don't know why I decide this; it always ends terribly for me.  But I do it anyway.  I sit myself down and tell myself how I'm going to start cleaning the house every day and paying my bills on time and replying to emails before my inbox reaches quadruple digits.  Schedules are drafted.  Day-planners are purchased.  I stock up on fancy food because I'm also planning on morphing into a master chef and actually cooking instead of just eating nachos for dinner every night.   I prepare for  my new life as an adult like some people prepare for the apocalypse.

The first day or two of my plans usually goes okay.



For a little while, I actually feel grown-up and responsible.  I strut around with my head held high, looking the other responsible people in the eye with that knowing glance that says "I understand.  I'm responsible now too.  Just look at my groceries."

At some point, I start feeling self-congratulatory.



This is a mistake.  

I begin to feel like I've accomplished my goals.  It's like I think that adulthood is something that can be earned like a trophy in one monumental burst of effort and then admired and coveted for the rest of one's life.  


What usually ends up happening is that I completely wear myself out. Thinking that I've earned it, I give myself permission to slack off for a while and recover. Since I've exceeded my capacity for responsibility in such a dramatic fashion, I end up needing to take more recovery time than usual. This is when the guilt-spiral starts.  

The longer I procrastinate on returning phone calls and emails, the more guilty I feel about it.  The guilt I feel causes me to avoid the issue further, which only leads to more guilt and more procrastination.  It gets to the point where I don't email someone for fear of reminding them that they emailed me and thus giving them a reason to be disappointed in me.  

Then the guilt from my ignored responsibilities grows so large that merely carrying it around with me feels like a huge responsibility.  It takes up a sizable portion of my capacity, leaving me almost completely useless for anything other than consuming nachos and surfing the internet like an attention-deficient squirrel on PCP. 


At some point in this endlessly spiraling disaster, I am forced to throw all of my energy into trying to be an adult again, just to dig myself out of the pit I've fallen into. The problem is that I enter this round of attempted adulthood already burnt out from the last round. I can't not fail.  


It always ends the same way.  Slumped and haggard, I contemplate the seemingly endless tasks ahead of me. 


And then I rebel.  


The Beginning

1/26/12: The overwhelmingness of my adult responsibilities results in me falling asleep on my couch, snuggled next to the comfort of the dog, at 7pm, missing my Board of Directors meeting that night.

A rundown of the day:
Today, my condescending bitch of a co-worker became mad at me because I wasn't in my office to answer her phone calls. (Where was I? She never asked. For the record, I was helping another co-worker in the main office. What did she need? She never actually told me.)

Today, I came home from work and had to lie down from dizziness due to withdrawal from one of my prescription antidepressants. I am currently rationing them because either my insurance or my pharmacy is incompetent & didn't fulfill my prescription, plus I have no money anyway.

Today, I drove 140 miles. In a single day. My normal commute is only 70. Yes, it was my own fault & was the only way to cover all my responsibilities, but I still found it overwhelming.

Today, I cancelled my dog's vet appointment this Saturday because I can't pay them anything until payday on Wednesday, February 1. (All I can think is, thank God this isn't an emergency and just a check-up.)

Today, I wrote this anonymously because I can't think of a single person who has the time to listen to everything I need to say right now. Even my counselor only does hour-long sessions...